Guilt is a common emotion but can create unhappiness and depression. There is an important difference between remorse and guilt. Guilt is an emotion experienced when you think the following ways: I have done something that I should not have done or failed to do something I should have done. My actions fall short of my moral standards, and violate my concept of fair, decent behavior. This bad behavior proves I am a bad person. The idea of you as bad is central to guilt. Without it, your hurtful action may lead to a healthy feeling of remorse or regret, but not guilt.
Remorse comes from an undistorted awareness that you fully acted in a
hurtful manner towards someone, in a way which violated your personal ethical
standards. Remorse carries no implications that your actions prove you are
inherently bad, evil or immoral. It can direct you to take steps to change that
hurtful behavior. Guilt usually paralyzes you from positive action. Remorse or
regret is aimed at the behavior that was done. Guilt is targeted towards yourself.
Guilt fuels self-destructive attitudes. Remorse fuels constructive
action. Recognize what guilt is, and the difference between it and remorse. The
payoff is that you will feel better about yourself and life.
- Remorse is feeling bad about ones actions AND taking steps to heal any damage your actions caused another person AND healing yourself so you never take those actions again.
- Remorse is I got caught, it was my choice to act that way, and I’m going to do all I can to fix whatever damage I caused, and never do this again
- Remorse is signified by selfless behavior.
- Remorse is taking responsibility for one’s horrific actions. No blame shifting. No minimizing. No forgetting. No controlling the exchange of information.
- Remorse is empathy in the face of your pain.
- Remorse is seeing real pain at your pain. It’s connection. It is not control. It’s not arrogant.
- Remorse is humility, sorrow, and is open and willing.
The other key aspect is that
one can experience remorse that is never seen by the person they hurt. If the
way remorse is communicated is not in the language desired by the person whom
they harmed, it will never be acknowledged.
For example, buying someone a
dozen roses will do little as an apology. But, house cleaning without being asked
to do so will go a very long way.
