Date Rape

Dr. Joyce Brothers, "Date Rape", _St. Louis Post-Dispatch Parade_ (Sunday magazine), Sept. 27, 1987, pp. 1, 4-6


"It was three years ago, in February," recalls Devon, now a West Coast film  editor. "I was in graduate school, and the man I had been dating was studying to be a heart surgeon.


"In many ways, he was your ideal man - sensitive and romantic. I have never been wined and dined and courted like that in my entire life. But he was also very possessive and jealous, and finally I realized we had to  break up. One evening, after he'd lost his temper again, he came over to my studio apartment. I had asked him over because he was so apologetic.


"We talked. Then he said he wanted to spend the night. I said 'no.' Halfway to the door, he grabbed me and started kissing me. I said, 'No, no. I don't want to do this.' He didn't stop. He accused me of seeing other men, kept repeating how much he loved me. I was trying to soothe him and get him out the door. But he managed to push me over to the bed. We struggled. I said over and over and over, 'You've got to leave.' It
didn't dawn on me that someone I'd been involved with, someone I trusted,  wouldn't stop if I said 'no.'


"Finally, he pinned my hands behind me and raped me. I felt sick. Even today, he doesn't believe he raped me."


DID HE?
If a woman goes out on a date with a man, and he forces her to have sex, is that rape? This dictionary says it is, and so does the law. Webster's defines rape as "sexual intercourse with a woman by a man without her
consent and chiefly by force or deception" [a little sexism there!] -  nothing to do with how well she knows him. Yet for many people, including most juries and even some women, criminal rape is *only* sexual violation by a stranger.


But, if anything, say experts, the emotional effects of rape by an  acquaintance are more devastating. One of the reasons is that these rapes generally have remained hidden, the many victims suffering in silence.


A HIDDEN EPIDEMIC.
According to the FBI, there were 90,434 forcible rapes in 1986. Between 1977 and 1986, their rate increased by 42 percent - making rape the most rapidly growing major crime in the U.S. "It's an epidemic of sexual assault," says Diana Russell, a professor of sociology at Mills College in Oakland, Calif. However, until recently, the high percentage of rape by an acquaintance - sometimes called "date rape" - was undocumented.


In a landmark survey of 7,000 students at 35 colleges and universities across the country, financed by the National Institute of Mental Health,  Mary P. Koss of Kent State University discovered some startling facts:


* One woman student in eight had been raped, according to the legal  definition, in the year previous to the survey. Rapes since the age of 14 raised the number to 25 percent.


* Ninety percent of the women knew their assailants, and 47 percent of the  rapes were by first dates or romantic acquaintances.


* More than 90 percent of the women did not report the rape.


*One out of 12 men admitted to having fulfilled the prevailing definition  of rape or attempted rape, yet none identified himself as a rapist.


Subsequent studies at individual colleges have confirmed these figures. They indicate that date rape occurs all over the country, in every socio-economic group and at every age. The main victims, however, are women between 15 and 24.


WHEN IS RAPE NOT RAPE?
When a victim of rape knows her attacker, particularly when it happens on a date, she rarely reports it. In some cases, she does not even realize she has been raped. Why? Because the rape wasn't perpetrated by a strange man who leaped out of the bushes, or a dark alley with a weapon. And because what is considered sexually permissible in a male/female relationship is still very ambiguous territory.


Gloria Fischer, a psychologist, surveyed more than 400 students at Washington State University and found that 5 percent of the women and 19 percent of the men did not define forcible sex or the man's coercion as unacceptable behavior. Rather, they felt that, UNDER CERTAIN CONDITIONS, it might be acceptable for a man to force sex on his companion. These included if the couple had been dating for a long time, if she had let him fondle her, if she wasn't a virgin or if she had "led him on."


It's not just students. In society at large, I have found, people aren't always sure when to call it rape and when to excuse the man's behavior by choosing to see the woman as provocative or naive.


Milly, a patient of mine, was raped by a neighbor, the husband of a good friend, who offered to paint her house and decided that sex on demand would be appropriate payment. Joan was raped by a co-worker whom she had dated occasionally. He called one night and said he was blue and needed someone to talk to. Could he come over? How could Joan refuse? He stopped by, but talk wasn't what he had on his mind. Was Joan guilty of naivete?


WHOM CAN YOU TRUST?
Almost all victims of sexual assault suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome, whose symptoms include nightmares, anxiety and sleeplessness. But I have found the *psychological* consequences of date rape to be far greater.


When a friend or acquaintance rapes, the victim tends to blame herself. "It made me question myself more," says Devon. "I had to ask, 'What does this say about my judgment of people, about my behavior?' People are accusatory because I didn't fight him off. I feel guilty, but there's nothing I could have done."


"Psychologically, date rape is the most trust-deadening thing that can happen to you," Devon adds. "That a man I dated can use his physical power as a weapon in an argument, to compel me to do something - it makes me think that even if I'm careful, I still could never know." While Devon has dated other men since the rape, she admits she sometimes feels an unaccountable rage toward the man she is seeing.


"Wondering forever after whom she can trust is frequently a more difficult hurdle for the victim of rape by an acquaintance to overcome than the rape itself," points out Margaret Reiss, a social worker in San Francisco.


WHY VICTIMS KEEP SILENT.
Only one in about 10 rapes is reported at all, but the ratio is even lower when the rapist is an acquaintance. Victims have given several reasons for this: (1) She is ambivalent about her own role in provoking the crime - even if she did nothing. (2) Reporting a husband's best friend or a popular member of a group can destroy a whole social complex. (3) The date who is raped often is not believed. As Devon puts it, "A lot of people wonder if you were asking for it." (4) Jurors can be even more dubious. The rate of conviction for the small percentage of rape cases brought to trial is shockingly low. In my experience, the woman who *does* report a rape by an acquaintance frequently just compounds her trauma.


Although most states have enacted laws to protect a rape victim from being questioned in court about her lifestyle or sexual history - called "rape shield laws" - victims still are being tried in court along with those accused of raping them, says Barbara Reskin, a professor of sociology at the University of Illinois. Reskin's research team sat in on 37 sexual-assault trials in Indianapolis. They then interviewed 360 jurors who had served during those trials.


Indianapolis was chosen because of its rape shield laws. Despite the laws, however, defense lawyers managed to bring up details of the victim's life that they thought the jurors might find unsavory. They did this by asking questions that might be struck from the record but that nevertheless stuck in many of the jurors' minds. These jurors said that they weren't supposed to be judgmental, but that they were.


They were less sympathetic to victims who were unwed mothers or who were sexually active. They discounted the testimony of women who smoked marijuana, frequented bars, and kept late hours. On the other hand, if a man was well groomed, married or had a girlfriend, the jurors found it difficult to see him as a rapist. And when he was acquainted with the woman, they tended to feel that she might have lured him simply by agreeing to go out with him. The victim most likely to be taken seriously, says Professor Reskin, "is married and assaulted in her own home when the door is locked."


ATTITUDES CAN BE DANGEROUS.
\Why is there so much sexual aggression, especially among the young, and why is our society so slow to recognize it? Clearly, ingrained assumptions about male and female sexual roles determine how young people behave in sexual relationships.


Three Texas psychologists probed the attitudes of 268-college men aged 19. The researchers found that the men fell into two groups: those who held traditional views of sex roles and those who didn't. The traditionalists thought that men, not women, should ask for dates, pay for dates, make decisions about dating activity and initiate any intimate behavior. The non-traditionalists believed in equality between the sexes.


The men were presented with different scenarios. In some, the woman asked the man out or bore all the expenses of the evening. In others, the couple spent the evening alone in the man's apartment or went to a movie. The college men were asked to indicate in which of these dating situations the  man would be justified in forcing his attention [notice the euphemism] on the woman against her will.


The good news is that 80 percent of the men said that "rape" was never justified - under any circumstance. The bad news is that 20 percent felt that, in some instances, it was. Most of these men held traditional views of sex roles. They believed that a woman was leading a man on if she asked him for a date, went with him to his apartment or allowed him to pay for all the expenses. Most traditionalists, and even some non-traditionalists, believed that this implied a sexual invitation, which the woman had no right to withdraw later on. [!!!]


I believe that early education is critical to change these "macho"  attitudes and that women must learn in what ways their actions can be misinterpreted by the men they meet.


FIGHTING DATE RAPE.
 In addition to advocating greater awareness for women [see next message for suggestions], most experts stress that date rape is not simply a *woman's* problem. Early education, they stress, is the best way to teach men to respect the women they date and to break this dangerous pattern. Here are some of the ways date rape is being fought:


* Acknowledging the problem. Since colleges and universities have learned about the prevalence of rape on their campuses, they have begun to address the problem. Many - like Stanford, Cornell, Ohio State, and the University of Florida - have established anti-rape workshops and/or counseling services. Since freshmen are considered most vulnerable, many educators feel the workshops should be required for students as soon as they enter college. Resource books for parents of high school students are available from Alternatives to Fear, Dept. P, 1605 Seventeenth Ave., Seattle, Wash. 98122.


* Toughening the law. In California, a joint resolution that would direct colleges to actively investigate rapes on campuses, even if the victims do not file criminal charges, has been introduced in the State Legislature. It also requires that universities establish explicit sexual codes of conduct to combat assaults against college women. Some universities like Washington State University have already done that.


* Improving communication. A date rape often starts with misread sexual signals. Discussion groups, in which men and women talk openly about sexual attitudes and expectations, have been helpful. For some men, sexual aggression is normal male behavior. They may interpret a woman's invitation as a come-on, her "no" as fliratious or coy. Talking can help women recognize these attitudes. It also can dispel prevailing myths about rape, such as that there's no such thing as rape on a date, and that women
enjoy rape or deserve it.


* Learning to resist. Anti-rape workshops teach women to recognize rape when it happens, to fight it and report it. Women who may say "no" too softly are urged to speak forcefully. Studies show that screaming and physically resisting an attacker is usually more effective than reasoning or pleading - even when the rapist is an acquaintance.


* Breaking the cycle of violence. Date rape is part of a spectrum of violent relationships - including verbal and physical abuse - that often starts in the teen years. According to a study by five researchers at Oregon State University, well over 12 percent of 644 high school students surveyed experienced physical abuse on a date [!!]. I believe parents can protect children from accepting violence within an intimate relationship by clearly separating love and violence in the home, teaching the children to
respect themselves and others and recognizing sexual violence as the criminal behavior it is.


* What to do. The first thing the victim of any rape should do is TELL SOMEONE. One of the biggest problems in date rape is that victims are too ashamed to talk about it. The person told should stress that what happened was not the woman's fault and offer support. Any rape victim should talk
to a counselor about the pros and cons of reporting the rape to the police.


The following advice is from the National Organization for Victim Assistance:


* Be wary when your relationship seems to be operating along classic stereotypes of dominant male and submissive female. Some men, particularly in late adolescence, are very domineering, putting the woman in a poor position to assert herself. If a man orders for you in a restaurant, plans all date activities, and always gets his way, chances are that he will do the same thing in an intimate setting.


* Be wary when a date tries to control your behavior in any way - for example, trying to restrict the people you meet or forcing you to do something you don't want to do. Be especially wary of men who pressure you, knowing that you would be too embarrassed to tell mutual friends or that you would not be believed. All these things make you more vulnerable.


* Be very clear in communicating what you feel, beyond just saying "no." If a date wants to go further sexually than you are willing, insist that he leave. Or *you* leave.


* Avoid giving ambiguous messages. For example, don't engage in petting, then say you don't want to go any further, THEN return to petting.


* When dating someone for the first time, try to do it in a group. This is particularly important for young people.


* Don't go somewhere so private that there is nowhere to get help. Parking in a remote spot is not a good idea at any age.


* If it is clear in your mind that you don't intend to have sex with someone you are dating, discuss that at the outset. Communicating your intentions openly can diffuse a possibly dangerous situation.