JUST FOR LAUGHS

ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE RECORDINGS

Hi.  Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead.  Wait for the beep.

Hello.  I am the stupid answering machine.  What are you?

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.  We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello.  I'm home right now but cannot find the phone.  Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.  Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty-dollar bills.  If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.  If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi.  I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, then it's you.

Hi there.  This is Sally speaking.  I'm home right now, and in a moment I'll have a decision to make.  Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...

This is Daniel's answering machine.  Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI, and other Federal Agencies, wait for the Police Team to show up at your door...

Hello, this is Death.  I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial consultation.  However, our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.  Thank you.

Hello, this is Michael.  I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number.  On the other hand, if you were trying to call Dean, Donald, or Daniel, please leave your name and number at the tone.  I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back - only that I won't.

Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back, be patient it may be a few weeks before I can return your call.

Hello, this is Ron.  I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.  Hang on a second while I get a pencil.  (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)  OK, what would you like me to tell me?

Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Jeanna's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped with her CD Player, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.  Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine.  This is a telepathic thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel very sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

JUST FOR LAUGHS

Actual Signs

On a Tennessee highway:

  "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash:

 "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

On the back of a pickup in Trenton, Ontario, Canada:

 "Kelly's Radiator Shop, a great place to take a leak"

At a Santa Fe gas station:

"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant:

 "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On a Maine shop:

“Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:

"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

In a Maine restaurant:

"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:

 "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On the grounds of a public school:

"No trespassing without permission."

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:

"38 years on the same spot."

In the offices of a loan company:

"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

On a New York convalescent home:

"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

Outside a country shop:

"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:

 "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

JUST FOR LAUGHTS

Actual Accident Summaries

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:

Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I collided with a stationary car going the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.  To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I ran over the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb, I had to swerve several times just to hit him.

The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.  I was thrown from the car as it left the road.  I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.