CONFESSION OF A BURGLAR

-Birdymckee

“There are two things I hate the most: barking dogs and nosy neighbors.’’

“Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.’’

“Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste, and taste means there are nice things inside. And those yard toys your children leave outside always make me wonder about the types of electronic gaming systems that could be inside.’’

“Yes, I really do look for newspapers to be piled up in the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer on your front door to see how long it take you to remove it.’’

“If decorative glass is part of your front entrance design, don’t let your alarm company install the control pad where I can check and see if it’s set. That makes it too easy.’’

“It’s raining and you’re fumbling with your umbrella, and you forgot to lock your door. That’s understandable. But understand this: I don’t take a day off because of bad weather.’’

“I always knock first. If you happen to answer, I’ll ask for directions or offer to do minor house repairs as a cover.’’

“Do you really think I won’t look in your sock drawer? Come on. I always check it, as well as the other dresser drawers, the nightstand, and the medicine cabinet.’’

“Sometimes I walk around a neighborhood carrying a clipboard. Sometimes I dress like a lawn guy and a carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.’’

“I love looking in windows. I’m checking for sign that you’re home and for those flat screen TVs or other electronics that I like. I’ll drive through your neighborhood at night, before your close the blinds, just to pick my targets.’’

“If I were you I wouldn’t announce your vacation on your Facebook page. We check those, too.’’