JUST FOR LAUGHS

ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE RECORDINGS

Hi.  Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead.  Wait for the beep.

Hello.  I am the stupid answering machine.  What are you?

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.  We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello.  I'm home right now but cannot find the phone.  Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.  Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty-dollar bills.  If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.  If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi.  I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, then it's you.

Hi there.  This is Sally speaking.  I'm home right now, and in a moment I'll have a decision to make.  Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...

This is Daniel's answering machine.  Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI, and other Federal Agencies, wait for the Police Team to show up at your door...

Hello, this is Death.  I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial consultation.  However, our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.  Thank you.

Hello, this is Michael.  I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number.  On the other hand, if you were trying to call Dean, Donald, or Daniel, please leave your name and number at the tone.  I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back - only that I won't.

Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back, be patient it may be a few weeks before I can return your call.

Hello, this is Ron.  I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.  Hang on a second while I get a pencil.  (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)  OK, what would you like me to tell me?

Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Jeanna's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped with her CD Player, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.  Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine.  This is a telepathic thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel very sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

Since, several people have asked where can I get....  I went into the community and have spoken, personally, with this Lady, here's your chance to get that done.  She is very kind, and you can find her at the Pacific Centre, in Olympia, Wa.  Please mention this blog, "Inbirdyseyes.blogspot.com"

-Birdy

JUST FOR LAUGHS

Actual Signs

On a Tennessee highway:

  "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash:

 "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

On the back of a pickup in Trenton, Ontario, Canada:

 "Kelly's Radiator Shop, a great place to take a leak"

At a Santa Fe gas station:

"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant:

 "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On a Maine shop:

“Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:

"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

In a Maine restaurant:

"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:

 "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On the grounds of a public school:

"No trespassing without permission."

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:

"38 years on the same spot."

In the offices of a loan company:

"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

On a New York convalescent home:

"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

Outside a country shop:

"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:

 "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

JUST FOR LAUGHTS

Actual Accident Summaries

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:

Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I collided with a stationary car going the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.  To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I ran over the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb, I had to swerve several times just to hit him.

The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.  I was thrown from the car as it left the road.  I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

Phishing -- What You Need to Know

Learn what search engine phishing is and how to prevent it

Most computer savvy people know about phishing, how it steals identities and wreaks havoc with your personal finances and credit ratings. To prevent phishing, it pays to know the different types. Search engine phishing is one of the most commonly used types of phishing. Learn what it is and how to prevent it.

Search Engine Phishing

With search engine phishing scams, phishers create web pages for fake products. After search engines index the web page, they sit and patiently wait for unsuspecting customers to enter their confidential information as part of an order, sign-up, or balance transfer.

One tactic these sites use to get customers to sign up or make these purchases is an almost 'to good to be true' price. This happens often with fraudulent banks. The website creates a page that advertises an interest rate slightly higher than any real banks. Victims, anxious to get this great interest rate, enter their bank account information for a balance transfer to their new account. Unfortunately, their new account doesn't really exist. They just became involved in a phishing scam and sending their money to a thief.

When you aren't the victim, it's easy to sit back and ask why anyone would fall for these tactics. The truth is, it happens all the time. Victims anxious to get the best deal or the best interest rate will jump at the chance. Government records show cases where some victims provided their information for fraudulent banks with names like 'Flintstone National Bank' of 'Bedrock, Colorado'. Sad but true.

To prevent search engine phishing from happening to you, be vigilant and wary. Think before you click and never trust any site that has offers that seem just too good to be true. The truth is... they are

Protect Yourself -- Prevent Identity Theft by Understanding Crimeware

Understanding crimeware is your first step to prevent identity theft

To stay safe and prevent identity theft, there are certain terms you must understand. Crimeware is one of those terms. Learn what crimeware is, how it can affect you, and how to prevent identity theft.

What is crimeware?

Crimeware is a type of malware cybercriminals use to steal the identity of unsuspecting Internet users. This type of computer crime is much more malicious than basic identity theft.

Thieves gain access to your credit card information, passwords, and bank accounts numbers. Once they have this information, they build more complex attacks that include silent back-door withdrawals to drain your accounts. Or, they make fake debit cards to access your account.

What makes crimeware different from other computer crimes is that the criminals have automated their techniques. When it comes to this type of computer crime, these thieves aren't playing around but have developed an efficient system to attack victims or entire networks.

How does this affect me?

Cybercriminals can steal your information in many different ways including installing keystroke loggers on your system. Once they have this in place, they steal your passwords and wait for you to log into your account to drain it of all money.

They can also control your Internet surfing activities by redirecting your searchers to counterfeit sites and steal your personal information there.

What can I do?

You can be susceptible to crimeware in one of two ways. You can either open infected attachments sent to you by cyber criminals or you can become infected by a computer worm sent through an organization.

To avoid crimeware, visit only trusted and reputable sites. Never open email or attachments sent by unknown senders. Never click on hyperlinks sent to you through email.

In addition to the above methods of preventing crimeware, install an up-to-date anti-virus software on your computer. Check with your anti-virus provider to be sure you have protection from not only Internet-base viruses but also client-based viruses.

As cyber criminals become advanced keeping your identity safe becomes more difficult. But not impossible. Follow these suggestions and prevent identity theft today. 

-Birdy

Tweet Your Way to Identity Theft

If you're a tweeting addict, you may be in danger of identity theft

When it comes to identity theft, there's always something new. The one predictable thing about identity theft is... it's unpredictable. You think you know what identity thieves are up to and then they pop up with some new angle or identity theft scam. Such is the case with social networking sites.

Tweet Carefully!

Thieves are always on the lookout for the newest, easiest, fastest, and best way to get your personal information they can use to steal your identity. So, of course, they haven't overlooked popular social networking sites. One of the most popular sites these days is Twitter, and they are discovering ways they can exploit this fun way to stay in touch with friends.

If you love to tweet, you need to be aware of a few things. One of the most common ways for thieves to steal your identity is with phishing. Most often, phishing is done by sending fraudulent emails. These emails ask you to click on a link that takes you to a site and asked to enter personal information.

The same scenario occurs with social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace and is now happening on Twitter. Thieves set 'tweet traps'. These traps consist of the thief pretending to be one of your 'friends' tweeting you and telling you about a great sale, a worthy cause, or some news about something you're interested in. You click on the link and directed to a phishing site that collects your personal information.

Avoiding identity theft is easy -- never click on tweets or messages on Facebook that are from 'friends' you aren't familiar with. Only click on tweets and messages from real 'friends' not just people who have signed up for tweet alerts or messages. Most importantly, stay alert. If you receive messages or tweets that seem suspicious, they may be an identity theft trick.

The Identity Theft Red Flags Rule

Now that many businesses have to abide by the identity theft red flags rule, it's a bit easier to fix identity theft problems

Most of us would agree that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, which is where the new identity theft "red flags rule" comes into play. These days, many businesses are required to inform you immediately if ID theft occurs during the implementation of their commerce.

That way, you can start working immediately on your identity theft fix, rather than finding out months or years later that someone's stolen your life.

Um, "These Days"?

No legally-mandated red flags rule existed before November 2009, when the Federal Trade Commission started enforcing their new identity theft regulations.

Prior to that, most companies would immediately contact their clients if they knew or suspected that someone had tapped into their files and stolen information that could be used for identity theft. Some even took steps to help clients mitigate the effects of the potential ID theft.

But that was a corporate decision; it certainly wasn't required. It may surprise you to learn that before the implementation of the red flags rule, a company didn't have to inform you if someone might have stolen your personal information from them. Many did, but they didn't have to.

And What's This "Some" Businesses?

From the beginning, the new red flags rule applied only to businesses or organizations that handled accounts of one kind or another. So JC Penney would have to let you know if someone had tapped into their credit system and stolen your name and SSN, but your local bookstore or food market wouldn't.

Life became a bit easier for the identity thieves on December 31, 2010, when the FTC modified the red flags rule. Now only business and organizations that use consumer reports together with credit transactions, or who loan money, or provide information to credit reporting agencies, are required to comply.

Doctors, lawyers, and accountants are specifically exempt from compliance.

The Procedure

Here's how the FTC-mandated red flags program works:

First, the business must "Identify relevant patterns, practices, and specific forms of activity that are 'red flags' signaling possible identity theft." Second, they have to be able to detect those red flags when they occur.

The next step is to respond immediately, notify the affected customers, and help those customers mitigate the effects of the identity theft. Finally, the business is required to update their program regularly in order to detect new ID theft methods and trends.

It remains to be seen how well the new program will work, and whether further challenges will whittle down its utility. That said, half a loaf really is better than none when it comes to this kind of crime, so the identity theft red flags rule is a welcome breath of fresh air.