In all the years that I spent in
the prison system, I have met some of the most dangerous monsters who have been
incarcerated, these men should not ever see the ‘streets’ freedom again. It is my experience that the
"grooming" a child is only half the story. Many pedophiles are
extremely clever, charming, and very patient people, frequently thought of as
among the most valued of community members, the priest, the cop, or even a
business man living just next door or down the street from his victim. That's
because they spend a lot of time grooming the parents, friends and neighbors of
the children around them, just as they groom the kids themselves. And, believe me it is not unusual for
pedophiles to pick careers and / or volunteer positions that will deliberately
place them in close proximity to the youngsters they crave, be it girls or boys.
They'll then proceed to impress (or
"groom") the adults around them by becoming the most reliable on-call
volunteer, the most generous friend, the most giving neighbor or the favorite
relative. Their presentation makes them seem to be completely sincere, among
the most trustworthy and valuable community members.
Parents of molested the kids are often be shocked at their own
naivety, but these types of pedophiles are as clever as can be in grooming the
adults around them, as well.
The Grooming:
How Child Molesters
Create Willing Victims (See my note at the end of this
Article):
There's
an old urban legend that if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, he'll
naturally hop out; however, if you place a frog in a pot of cool water and
gradually increase the heat, you'll end up with a cooked frog. I can't say
whether this is true for frogs, but it certainly is true for many children who
are sexually molested and ravished. The gradual cooking process is known as
“grooming,” and the increased heat is the evaporation of physical and most importantly
the emotional boundaries.
Now
the Webster's Dictionary definition of “grooming” includes “training for a
particular purpose.” For child molesters, the loathsome pedophile, that particular
purpose is for a sexual relationship.
The Real Danger
Most
people still want to believe that child molesters are deviant strangers who
abduct children or entice them with candy and puppies, and other gifts. And we,
as parents, try teach our children to be wary of strangers, to shout “NO!” or
run away and tell a trusted adult if anyone should ever approach them in such a
manner. We try to teach them of the “stranger danger.”
We
teach them about “good touches” and “bad touches” and believe they will tell us
immediately if they receive a “bad touch.” And though our intentions are good, we
are trying to prepare them for the exception, and not the reality in some type sexual
abuse.
In
reality, the molester is more likely to be the trusted adult and the touch is
more likely to feel good. There are family members, friends and neighbors, even
teachers, coaches and clergy who treat children better than most adults, listen
to what they are really saying and strive to meet their emotional, physical and
spiritual needs as a means of fulfilling their own sexual needs and desires. The
“nicer” the molester appears and the more “troubled” the child appears, the
more difficult it is to detect and believe the sexual abuse.
The Grooming Processes
of Pedophilia
Grooming
of the normal romantic courting ritual- In
the normal folks: you find yourself interested in someone, and try find out
everything you can about him or her, just to see how you might fit into each
other's life, then spend lots of time together and eventually become physically
and/ or sexual intimate.
However
to a pedophile this “Grooming Process” is perverted and there are five distinct
stages in this perverted grooming process:
1)
Identify the possible victim;
2)
Collect information about the intended victim;
3)
Fill a need;
4)
Lower inhibitions; and, then
5)
Initiate abuse.
1.
Identifying the possible victim
Children
make ideal victims. They are naturally curious, easily led by adults, need lots
of attention and affection, and are seeking to establish independence from
their parents. Children from broken homes and troubled families are very easy
targets, and the molester knows this. The more unlovable the child feels and
appears, the less likely the child is to tell on someone who displays love and
the less likely anyone is to believe the child if the child ever tells. A child
recently caught stealing or lying makes a particularly appealing victim. These
children are easy for exploitation.
2.
Collecting information about the intended victim:
The
more a molester knows about his victim, the better able he is to build trust
with the child and the child's parents. He learns how the child responds to
attention and praise. He displays a superficial sympathy and charm whenever the
child discusses her problems and concerns. He assesses her strengths and
weaknesses, taking special note of how she interacts with her friends and the
other adults in her life. All of this information will be used to control the
child and manipulate the other people around her.
3.
The Filling Of The Need:
The
molester exploits the child's emotional needs by freely offering love,
friendship and support. Parents may even feel relieved that the child has found
a responsible friend, mentor or role model or that they have found a dependable
babysitter, this of course, depends on the age of the child. Whatever the
parent needs, the molester is often both willing, ready and pleased to help
out. Whatever the child needs or wants, the molester is happy to provide, with
or without the parents knowledge or consent. Some molesters will even instigate
a sexual relationship with a single parent just to gain access to her children.
The greater the family need and the molester's position of trust, the less
ability a child has to say, “NO!” Or tell the parent what is actually happening
4.
Lowering inhibitions
Once
trust is established and the victim is emotionally vested in the relationship,
the molester may begin offering gifts or money to the child to see how well she
can keep secrets from her parents and to make her feel special and loved.
Loving gestures will begin invade her personal space and might include more
“acceptable” kisses and hugs, increased touching of the child's hands,
shoulders, arms and legs, and “accidentally” brushing up against private areas.
5.
Initiating abuse
Gradually,
the “accidental” touching to private areas may linger and include professions
of love and hints of sexual desire. By the time the touching crosses clear
boundaries, the child is too afraid she might lose the relationship to object,
and too ashamed of her own perceived part in inviting the abuse to tell. And
honestly, physical intimacy feels good. It's very natural for the child to want
it and even enjoy it.
Shame and Blame
The
molester's ability to lie, exaggerate, minimize, rationalize and manipulate
people greatly exceeds the ability of a child to sort through her fears and
emotions and think reasonably about her molester. Once the child is emotionally attached to the
molester, she begins to feel responsible for him and to him. She may even
believe that she is as much or more to blame for the abuse as the molester is.
Now,
at this point, the molester's psychological manipulations may begin to shift
from positive to negative. Criticism or the “silent treatment” may replace
praise and flattery. Threats may become more frequent than pronouncements of
love.
Protecting Children
In
cases of grooming, much of what we teach our children about sexual abuse often
does more to exacerbate the child's guilt and shame when they realize something
is wrong than to encourage them to tell.
At
what point should she have shouted “NO!”? Whom should she have told? It's
frightening for us as parents - even more so as good parents. No wonder so many
simply choose to pretend it simply doesn't happen or couldn't happen to their own
child. How can we as parents protect our kids from such an onslaught?
Awareness
it seems to be the first step:
- The second step is focusing our energy on loving our children rather than fearing the potential predators.
- Instead of talking about “good touches” and “bad touches,” model healthy physical and emotional boundaries and talk about what's private and what's not.
- As a Parent we should not be embarrassed to answer all our kids' questions about body parts and body functions. But we must be very matter-of-fact and age appropriate.
- Let our kids know that they can talk to us about anything. And we must teach them the difference between fun surprises and secrets and let them know that home is a safe place to talk about our secrets.
- Kids who experience the unconditional love of their parents and feel safe in their own home develop a very good internal barometer for appropriate relationships. That's the best defense we have against child predators who are selecting their potential victims for grooming.
*
Not all child molesters are men, and not all victims are girls. However, most molesters are men.
And
given the restraints of the English language, I have chosen to use the “He,”
“Him,” or “His” pronouns for the child molester and “She,” or “Her” pronouns
for the victim for readability and clarity.
As
Always, Stay Safe !
-Bird
