PART I: IS Something not right at home?

WHAT FAMILIES SHOULD BE LIKE...? 

Families come in all shapes and sizes and few look much like the Brady Bunch or the nice families on Neighbors’.

SOS QUIZ 

This quiz helps you to work out what you are feeling about your family and whether there are warning signs that something’s not right at home.

Statement Always Sometimes Never:

I feel relaxed when I am around my family. 

My parents look after me. 

I worry about how one member of my family treats another. 

My parents care about me. 

I feel nervous or scared around certain members of my family. I trust people in my family not to hurt me.

 Everyone in my family is treated like they are important. I worry that one member of my family might hurt another. 

My parents treat each other with respect.

If you circled any one of the above these are alarm bells, it sounds like you don’t always feel okay around your family.

While things might be happy sometimes, maybe at other times people don’t treat you or other family members as they should.

Seeing one parent treat the other badly can really affect you. If one parent is abusing the other, they are also abusing you. They are not making your home a safe or happy place to be.

ABUSING YOUNG PEOPLE

Abuse is when parents or other family members do things that hurt you, scare you or make you feel bad about yourself. 

Emotional abuse is when a parent or family member constantly puts you down or makes you feel like they don’t want you or don’t care about you.

 ‘It feels like I’m not important. She says I’m stupid and I’m always in the way, she wishes she never had me.’ 

Neglect is when a parent doesn’t look after your basic needs (like providing food, clothes, a safe home and medical attention). 

‘When mum was off her face I’d have to feed and take care of myself even when I was a little kid. I used to stay at home a lot to look after her.’ 

Physical abuse is when a family member hits, bashes, or physically injures you, or threatens to hurt you. 

‘He used to kick or hit me if I didn’t do what I was told.’

‘My father used to touch me in a horrible way when mum was at work at night. He told me that mum would kick me out if she found out.’ 

THERE’S NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSING ANOTHER PERSON 

Keep in mind thatNo one ever deserves to be abused. The blame for the abuse lies with the person who’s doing it. 

]They don’t have to act this way. It’s their choice. 

Any form of abuse is wrong. Physical and sexual abuse, and threats to hurt another person, are also against the law. 

HOW IS THIS AFFECTING ME? 

Being abused or watching other family members being abused can be painful and confusing. 

Here’s what other people said about how abuse affected them. 

Maybe you’ve felt like this or maybe you’ve had different reactions. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. 

‘The way I coped with the sexual abuse taught me a lot about myself. It’s made me a lot stronger, and through this very difficult time I’ve discovered the real me. I’ve learned to appreciate life more.... abuse never goes away, you just learn to deal with it and accept what has happened …’ 

Drugs are not the answer. Improve yourself, don’t make it worse. From my experience I have found that the drugs don’t work.

GETTING SAFE 

It’s very important to think about ways to protect yourself from abuse, or from seeing abuse between other family members. 

What other people have done when they felt scared or threatened 

MAKE UP YOUR OWN SAFETY ACTION PLAN 

Somewhere safe I can go when things get scary is:

A person I trust who could help if I’m in a situation that scares me is:_______________.

Their phone number is: ________________________________.

Our code word is: ____________________________________.

When I use this code word, call the police for me. Using this Code word this person should:________________.

Tell a trusted adult or ring a help-line.

Meet me somewhere that we’ve agreed on. This place is ___________________________.

From now on I’ll make sure I have make a phone call from a public phone with enough money in my pocket to: 

Buy a bus ticket 

Catch a taxi 

Tell someone what’s going on. 

It can be a bit scary, but telling someone can help get safer and make you feel less alone. 

It takes a while to find the right person to tell but keep trying ’cos you feel a lot better if you don’t have to deal with it on your own.’ 

A TRUE STORY:

My name’s Wo. My stepfather has abused me, my sister and my mother. I remember a long time back when I was only a little kid hiding in my room from all the yelling. I heard a very loud scream and raced to the kitchen where the noise was coming from and saw my step-dad with his hands around my mother’s throat throwing punches at her.

I tried to stop him but got a bowl of food thrown at me. I remember being dragged outside by my shirt and locked in the shed by myself for hours. Many years have passed since then, and while I can’t say the situation has changed, I certainly have. I’m no longer that little boy who couldn’t defend himself. What’s got me through is the love of my mother and sister and other people who guided me and helped me find the strength to stand up for myself and, ultimately, to walk away from the situation. 

Services Offered:

(RAPE RELIEF)

From anywhere in the U.S. call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE(4673) or call 202-544-3064 to reach the RAINN business office.

Alabama Coalition Against Rape
Montgomery, AL
334-264-0123

Alaska Network on Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault (ANDVSA)
Juneau, AK
907-586-3650

Arizona Sexual Assault Network (AzSAN)
Phoenix, AZ
602-258-1195

Arkansas Coalition Against Sexual Assault
Fayetteville, AR
479-527-0900

CALCASA Rape Prevention Resource Center
Sacramento, CA
916-446-2520

Colorado Coalition Against Sexual Assault
Denver, CO
303-861-7033

Connecticut Sexual Assault Crisis Services (CONNSACS)
East Hartford, CT
860-282-9881

Contact Lifeline
Wilmington, DE
302-761-9800

DC Rape Crisis Center
Washington, DC
202-232-0789

Florida Council Against Sexual Violence
Tallahassee, FL
850-297-2000

Georgia Network to End Sexual Assault (GNESA)
Atlanta, GA
404-815-5261

Guam Healing Arts Crisis Center
Tamuning, GU
671-647-5351

Hawaii State Coalition for the Prevention of Sexual Assault
Honolulu, HI
808-733-9038

Idaho Coalition Against Sexual & Domestic Violence (ICASDV)
Boise, ID
208-384-0419

Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault (ICASA)
Springfield, IL
217-753-4117

Indiana Coalition Against Sexual Assault
Indianapolis, IN
317-423-0233 

Iowa Coalition Against Sexual Assault (ICASA)
Des Moines, IA
515-244-7424

Kansas Coalition Against Sexual & Domestic Violence
Topeka, KS
785-232-9784

Kentucky Association of Sexual Assault Programs
Frankfort, KY
502-226-2704

Louisiana Foundation Against Sexual Assault (LAFASA)
Hammond, LA
985-345-5995

Maine Coalition Against Sexual Assault
Augusta, ME
207-626-0034

Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault
Silver Spring, MD
301-328-7023

Jane Doe Inc. / MCASADV
Boston, MA
617-248-0922

Men Can Stop Rape
Washington, DC
202-265-6530

Michigan Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence
Okemos, MI
517-347-7000

Minnesota Coalition Against Sexual Assault
St. Paul, MN
651-209-9993 

Mississippi Coalition Against Sexual Assault
Jackson, MS
601-948-0555

Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
Jefferson City, MO
573-634-4161

Montana Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault

Helena, MT
406-443-7794

Nebraska Domestic Violence/Sexual Assault Coalition
Lincoln, NE
402-476-6256

Nevada Coalition Against Sexual Violence
Las Vegas, NV
775-355-2220

New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence
Concord, NH
603-224-8893

New Jersey Coalition Against Sexual Assault
Trenton, NJ
609-631-4450

New Mexico Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs
Albuquerque, NM
505-883-8020

New York State Coalition Against Sexual Assault
Albany, NY
518-482-4222

New York City Alliance Against Sexual Assault
New York, NY
212-229-0345

North Carolina Coalition Against Sexual Assault
Raleigh NC
888-737-CASA (2272)

North Dakota Council on Abused Women's Services/CASAND
Bismarck, ND
701-255-6240

Ohio Alliance to End Sexual Violence
Cleveland, OH
888-886-8388

Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
Oklahoma City, OK
405-524-0700

Oregon Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
Portland, OR
503-230-1951

Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape (PCAR)
Enola, PA
717-728-9740 

Day One
100 Medway Street
Providence, RI 02906
401-421-4100
401-454-5565 (fax)
E-mail: info@DayOneRI.org

South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault
Columbia, SC
803-256-2900

South Dakota Coalition Against Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault
Pierre, SD
605-945-0869

Tennessee Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
Nashville, TN
615-386-9406

Texas Association Against Sexual Assault
Austin, TX
512-474-7190 

Utah Coalition Against Sexual Assault
Salt Lake City, UT
801-322-1500

Vermont Network Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
Montpelier, VT
802-223-1302

Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance
Charlottesville, VA
434-979-9002
Richmond, VA
804-377-0335 (v/tty)

Washington Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs
Olympia, WA
360-754-7583

West Virginia Foundation for Rape Information and Services
Fairmont, WV
304-366-9500

Wisconsin Coalition Against Sexual Assault
Madison, WI
608-257-1516

Wyoming Coalition Against Violence & Sexual Assault
Laramie, WY
307-755-5481

National Hotlines

National Domestic Violence Hotline They Are Staffed 24 hours a day by trained counselors who can provide crisis assistance and information about shelters, legal advocacy, health care centers, and counseling. 

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TDD) 

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) is the nation's largest anti-sexual assault organization.  Among its programs, RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE and the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline at rainn.org . This nationwide partnership of more than 1,100 local rape crisis centers provides victims of sexual assault with free, confidential services, 24 hours per day, 7 days per week.  These hotlines have helped over 1.3 million people since RAINN's founding in 1994.

1-800-656-HOPE 

National Organizations 

Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
Phone: 415-252-8900
TTY:800-595-4889
FAX: 415-252-8991
E-mail: info@endabuse.org

Washington, DC Office
1101 14th Street, NW #300
Washington DC 11005
Phone: 202-682-1212
Fax: 202-682-4662

Boston Office
67 Newbury Street, Mezzanine Level
Boston, MA 02116
Phone: 617-262-5900
Fax:617-262-5901 

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Main Office:1120
Lincon Street
Suite 1603
Denver, CO 80203
Phone: 303 839 1852
TTY: (303) 839-8459
Fax: (303) 831-9251
E-mail: mainoffice@ncadv.org

 

Public Policy Office
1633 Q Street NW, Suite 210
Washington, DC 11009
Phone: (202) 745-1211
TTY: (202) 745-2042
Fax: (202) 745-0088
E-mail: publicpolicy@ncadv.org

 

National Battered Women's Law Project
275 7th Avenue, Suite 1206
New York, NY 10001
Phone: 212-741-9480
FAX: 212-741-6438 

Safe Horizons
2 Lafayette Street, 3rd Floor
New York, NY 10007
Crime Victims HOTLINE: 800-621-4673
Rape and Sexual Assult & Incest HOTLINE: 212-227-3000
TYY (for all HOTLINES) 866-604-5350
Fax:212-577-3897
E-mail: help@safehorizons.org

Domestic Violence Shelter Tour
2 Lafayette Street 3rd Floor
New York, NY 10007
Phone: 212-577-7700
Fax: 212-385-0331
24-hour hotline: 800-621-HOPE (4673) 

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence
6400 Flank Drive, Suite 1300
Harrisburg, PA 17112
Phone: 800-537-2238
Fax: 717-545-9456

Legal Office:
Phone: 717-545-6400
TOLL FREE: 800-932-4632
TTY:800-533-2508
Fax: 717-671-5542 

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Phone: 800-537-2238
TTY:888-Rx-ABUSE; 800- 595 -4889
Fax: 717-545-9456 

Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
Phone: 800-313-1310
FAX: 415-252-8991 

Battered Women's Justice Project
Minnesota Program Development, Inc
1801 Nicollet Ave, Suite 102
Minneapolis, MN 55403
Phone: 800-903-0111, ext.1
Phone: 612-824-8768
Fax: 612-824-8965 

Resource Center on Domestic Violence, Child Protection, and Custody
NCJFCJ
P.O. Box 8970
Reno, NV 89507
Office: 775-784-6012
Phone: 800-527-3223
Fax: 775-784-6628
Email: staff@ncjfcj.org They are only a resource center for professionals and agencies.

 

Battered Women's Justice Project
c/o National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women
125 South 9th Street, Suite 302
Philadelphia, PA 19107
TOLL-FREE: 800-903-0111 ext. 3
Phone: 215-351-0010
FAX: 215-351-0779 National Clearinghouse is a national resource and advocacy center providing assistance to women defendants, their defense attorneys, and other members of their defense teams in an effort to insure justice for battered women charged with crimes.

 

National Clearinghouse on Marital and Date Rape
2325 Oak Street
Berkeley, CA 94708
Phone: 510-524-1582 

Faith Trust Institute
(Formerly Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence)
2400 N. 45th Street #10
Seattle , WA 98103
Phone: 206-634-1903, ext. 10
Fax: 206-634-0115
Email: info@faithtrustinstitute.org

National Network to End Domestic Violence
1101 S Street NW, Suite 400
Washington, DC 11009
Phone: 202-543-5566
HOTLINE:800-799-SAFE (7233)
TTY: 800-787-3224
FAX: 202-543-5626 

Other Helpful Sites:

Womenspace National Network to End Violence Against Immigrant Women
1212 Stuyvesant Ave.
Trenton, NJ 08618
Phone: 609-394-0136
24 Hour Mercer County Hotline: 609-394-9000
Fax:609-396-1093
Email: info@womenspace.org

Counseling &Support Services
1860 Brunswick Ave.
Lawrenceville, NJ 086448
Phone: 609-394-2532 

Domestic Violence

The NCJFCJ has advanced social change in courts and communities across the country by providing cutting-edge training, technical assistance, and policy development on issues related to the effects of abuse across a lifespan. The NCJFCJ's projects have enhanced the safety, well-being, and stability of domestic violence victims and their children by improving the response of criminal, civil, and social justice systems. 

Please call (800) 527-3223 or email fvdinfo@ncjfcj.org for additional information or assistance.

Beginning the Recovery Process for Incest Survivors

If you are a child of abuse and incest, you may not be aware of how deeply that experience has impacted you. Perhaps you don’t realize even on how many different levels you are affected, or how deeply the potential for damages can run within. 

Why it is so critical for an incest survivor to seek help.

One act of abuse can be as shattering as many acts of abuse because of how each of us differ in our minds and spirits. One incest survivor may have only a few key areas to heal and restore while another may face reconstructing his or her entire “self”. 

Aan incest survivor, no matter how much you face, fixing this is not something that should be done without the help of a professional counselor. The complex nature of our emotional, mental and physical health – and how they intertwine physiologically with our spiritual well-being – all need to be addressed with a professional’s help.

You may thing you are  jumping back into the trenches again because now have such valuable insights into this process, insights which I think can be very helpful. It’s one thing to have someone tell you in recovery “You can make it, you can get through this”. But if that person never went through it themselves, or anything anywhere near as daunting, it can hinder the trust levels, obviously working with professionals is paramount. I promote it and I also promote how important it is to have someone in your life who has overcome what you are trying to overcome so that you can turn to them as well for inspiration for insider tips and empathy. Both are equally important. 

Indicators of abuse.

If you are a survivor and you are not sure if you should enter counseling, here are some warning signs that may indicate you need a deeper level of healing than you are able to reach alone. 

These are warning signs that you are not past it:

If you self medicate with alcohol and pills to escape yourself, 

If you can’t establish sexual intimacy, or can but not without emotional distress or negative emotions of any kind, 

If you are a control freak that must direct any and all situations, 

If you are promiscuous and never let your walls down, 

If you want to hurt yourself, or are hurting yourself, or have frequent suicidal thoughts, 

If you spend massive energy suppressing your thoughts, 

If you are abusive verbally, mentally, or physically, 

If you experience deep depression, 

If you are overwhelmed everyday by intense crazy emotions or frantic thoughts, 

If your relationships are always abusive. 

I have sat and listened to men and women say with such confidence that they are past it and didn’t need counseling. But as they continued to talk, they admitted to not being able to have an orgasm or to feel love for a man or women. They would say that they had a pharmacy of illegal drugs to help them cope daily … or that they could not be close to others… or acting out but they were just fine and they were past it. I was hearing someone who was not past it, decidely in the grips of attempting to control the chaos within themselves. 

Incest: Help for (non-abusing) Parents

If you have recently learned that your child is a victim of incest, you may be experiencing a range of emotions. You might feel…

Shock

• If you had no idea that incest was occurring, you may be very surprised to hear what has happened.
• You may have difficulty figuring out how to respond to your child or to the abuser.

Anger

• You may feel angry at the abuser for hurting your child.
• If you weren’t aware of the abuse, you may feel angry at your child for not telling you.
• You might feel angry at your child for disclosing the abuse.

Sadness

• You may feel sad for your child, for what this means to your family, or for yourself because you need to deal with this situation.

Anxiety

• You might feel anxiety about responding the “right” way to your child.
• You might feel anxiety about how this will impact your relationship with your child or the abuser.
• You may worry that this has legal consequences for you.

Fear

• Depending on your family circumstances, you may be afraid that the abuser will find a way to harm you or your child.
• If the abuser was responsible for supporting the family, you may be afraid of being on your own.

There is no “wrong” way to feel. What is important is that you are able to support your child and help them through this situation without blaming them. Remember that abuse is never the victim’s fault!!

Once you and your child are safe and the abuser no longer has access to your child, you can both begin the process of healing.

To support your child in their healing process, you need to take care of yourself. Good self-care is not selfish. It is essential to take care of yourself so that you can support your child.

• Manage your emotions.
• You may consider talking to a counselor.
• After many incest situations, the family may be in counseling. You might also consider individual counseling. The advantage of individual counseling is that the focus can be entirely on you and it will give you the opportunity to work through your feelings and concerns about the situation without needing to worry about how your child will hear those concerns.
• Local rape crisis centers often provide counseling or can connect you with a provider. Call (800) 656-HOPE or go to http://centers.rainn.org/ to find a center near you.
• Develop your support system
• Reach out to friends and family who are supportive and who you feel comfortable talking to about your family situation.
• Consider joining a support group for non-abusing parents of incest victims.
• Keep a journal.
• It may be helpful to write down some of the feelings that you are experiencing.
• Practice meditation or relaxation exercises.
• Relaxation techniques or meditation may help maintain your emotional balance.
• Set limits.
• Make sure that you spend time doing activities that have nothing to do with the incest situation.
• Set aside time as needed to cope with the incest situation, whether that means dealing with the legal situation, counseling appointments, visitation or other tasks. When that time is up, move on to other activities.
• Make sure that you are involved in some activities that don’t revolve around the incest situation.

You may find that supporting your child is a challenge. Victims have a wide range of reactions to abuse. Your child…

• Might want to talk about the abuse all the time.
• Might not want to talk at all.
• Might not want to talk to you, but may be confiding in someone else.
• Might be angry at you for not protecting them.
• Might be angry at you for ending the abuse.
• They might be experiencing a range of other reactions. It is difficult to predict how a victim will respond, and it may change over time.

Remember that there is no “right” way for a victim to respond to abuse. The process of healing from incest can take a long time, and can be very frustrating. Sometimes it can feel like there is no progress at all! This can be especially frustrating for people who are trying to support the victim.

If you or your child is still in an incest situation, do not hesitate to ask for help.

• You can call Child Protective Services (CPS) for your area.
• You can find the number for CPS in RAINN’s mandatory reporting database. Information is listed by state.
• You can also find the number for Child Protective Services in the Blue Pages of your phone book.
• Your local police department can help you contact CPS.
• If you believe that the child is in immediate danger, call 911!

This is a Work in progress, more will be added later-on, I am still working on this article.  Just remember that there is help out there for you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  -Birdy