So I was talking to a good friend of mine the other day, and did I say, Hey John how come my Blog (this one here that you are a reading right now), has been getting fewer and fewer hits people just really don’t care anymore or what? John being the analytical mind like always said to me, “Well, I’ll tell ya Bird, youse been writing all your articles in a dry format for so long now, most people want more (our generation is a want more generation than generations that were gone generations afore our generation came along) - you gotta lighten up your load a bit and give the people what they want.” Really? And just what exactly is that, I replied … Well I’ll tell you, yes the articles are good and yes you take your time writing all of them, but, they be far too dry, people don’t like their wine to be too dry, they don’t like their food not be too dry, and unless you are a professional or a professor in a college, your articles needs a reality check, that way people will want to drop in a bit to see what’s up…
So I’m writing this article for a reality check, you see my reality and your reality (that is of course if you’ve managed to keep reading this far, or like normal people, skipped this article as being far less interesting than it really is) and my reality is at too different ends of the spectrum … My reality is by far more interesting, an a better place to live in rather than that of the normal reality where a very good majority of the planet’s population lives. But before I continue and give all the readers the opportunity to peek (and not stay, cause I really don’t want my reality to become overcrowded with far too many normal people trying to make sense of my reality), I give you these wee bit of warnings, I will be using large amounts of some very profane descriptions. Thus, said children (that is those who have not reached the age of majority [which should be set at say 13 years old or there abouts] should read this article (and many more to follow) in the presence of an adult (that is, those people who understand the written word, and are, uh hum over the age of say 16 or so), these numbers don’t take into account the brainiacs of the world who have hit the ripe old age of 9 and know everything about everything without the need for further instructions) those people are not figured into these calculations. All others read with caution, remember that those children under the age of 13 years old will have a complete sense of confusion after reading this article, and may even have some day mares, (you know what I’m talking about, the light blue horse that trots inside your mind whizzing away the hours trying to steal the mind’s eye, the seat of all that is holy and nice in that cavity where you keep your emotions and brains in two separate locked compartment under a tight lock with the key housed in the large toe on your left foot, but if your living in a country outside the greater united states, then the key was given to your most trusted advisor or best friend who sold it for a nice profit to a street dealer of keys, who is now holding it for ransom, which has placed you in slavery to work your fingers to the bone trying to get the key back, so that you can go about your normal life …)… wheeeee …
If you spend one 15 minute block of your time in any given day (that is of course, if you could spare 15 minutes at one time, if not, well …) in my reality, you will have to start seeing a psychiatrist or at the very least a therapist to try (yes try because one 15 minute block in my reality should make you question you reality) to get back to your normal reality, those of you who wish to experience my reality may need to explain to your realities what you are about to do then place those realities in a safe place (and no not in the pocket of your best friends jeans cause if he or she finds it might be a scary thing that they will just toss it aside and you’ll be stuck in my reality which is the reality of all realities but not the reality whereby the uninitiated want to spend the remainder of their lives wishing to be back among the normal reality that you long for, so my reality needs to be viewed from afar, like the drinking of fine wine, a sip here and a sip there but not guzzled).
Of course if you are in your normal reality, you may not want to continue. And I do not want people to read my lines who refuse to be open minded. So carry on in your normal reality, and leave me be. Go about your normal business in your normal reality, go back to your normal home, play with your normal children, kiss your normal spouse, and remain in your normal reality. About the only abnormal thing that you did was pass gas in your normal office building while in your normal cubicle while at your normal job, that generated headlines across the region. Remembering it very well, let me share with all the rest of the readers just how abnormal that particular day was, and yes, I hear your objections, and yes I am ignoring your protests concerning the sharing of your experience with the rest of the population should they have not had the chance to experience the same at the time that it occurred. So here it was a Thursday morning, in late August, when you woke up from your normal sleep (everyone appreciated that you were now awake so that they could now sleep without the horrendous sounds of your snores that could be heard several blocks away from your residence, sounding akin to a cat with its tail stuck in a bike cycle tires ribs, several other of your neighbors regularly call the police for assistance, thinking and/or believing that either you or someone in your household required some type of emergency medical assistance), upon leaving your normal bedroom going towards the kitchen for that first cup of wake-up juice, you inadvertently stumble and hit your head against the door which caused you to outburst a torrent of profanity (that would have made a sailor blush with envy), now entering the kitchen, and removing from the dish rack an empty coffee mug, you prepare your wake-up juice (which would make most individuals consider seeking psychiatric help after watching this morning ritual), stumbling hither and thar, you reached the refrigerator, placing your coffee mug (if it can be called that) on the counter next to the refrigerator, opening the door of the 1970 Frigidaire (that your wife of 40 years got for a wedding gift, and you swore that you would replace the first chance you got, but never did…), you reached in to the refrigerator for the first three ingredients of you morning concoction, first was the catsup, which you squeezed a healthy portion in the bottom of the mug, then came the pure concentrated lime juice, two squirts, now the eggs, two chicken eggs and one duck egg which were cracked one also placed in the mug of doom, you then grabbed the trusty plastic spoon from where it was attached in its own holder on the refrigerator (and we both know, that using any type of metal spoon would only cause the spoon to become rusted and partially dissolved in your beverage with over usage) and with your right hand firming holding the mug to the counter, you stirred the ingredients together vigorously with you left hand for several minutes. Paying particular attention to making sure all the ingredients are thoroughly mixed. Now you zoom over to the microwave where you set the dial on 30 seconds and place the mug therein while you grab the other four ingredients, trying not to rush the process as you want to be at your work station at exactly 8:00 am, glancing at the clock you note with satisfaction that the time was 6:45 am, giving you exactly 45 minutes before you will need to leave the house and head for work. After closing the door of the microwave and starting the clock, you reach into the cupboard and grab the powdered garlic which you open and set next to the microwave which the timer now says 25 seconds to go … then down into the bowels of the refrigerator you grab a diet 7-up (yes I know that you used to use Pepsi, then Coke, then a variety of other juices before settling on 7-up, and the only reason that you are forced to use diet 7-up is because you son drank the last regular one), this too was placed next to the garlic powder, the microwave timer now says 20 seconds, so you right in the time zone … Now crossing the kitchen to fetch the final two products you wife comes into the kitchen, sees your progress and just as quickly retreats to another room so that she does not have to be a witness to the event (that as she claims will be the death of you yet), “Good” you think so that she will not slow me down … you grab the instant Folgers Coffee and the jalapeno sauce, which you also place next to the other two on the counter, whew, right on time “DDIIINNNNGGGG” goes the microwave. Opening the door you pull out the mug noting that the foam is subsiding nicely, quickly so that it don’t cool too much you scoop in two heaping tablespoons of garlic powder, ½ can (6.5 oz.) of 7-up, three heaping teaspoons of Folgers coffee and one table spoon of jalapeno sauce, which is then mixed thoroughly, and placed back into the microwave for another 15 seconds to make sure it is hot when you gulp it down so that you will not have the gas associated with it, as your stomach cries in protest…
Now, you call to your wife, “Honey where is the newspaper?” which she tosses to the dining room table from the other side of the room, “Here you are,” and you respond, as normal with a “Thank you Dear.” “DDIIINNNNGGGG” goes the microwave. Now the morning ritual is about to begin in earnest.
Sitting down at your normal dining room table you open the newspaper to the comics and take a slow long sip of you wake up juice, savoring the absolute bliss of the taste and telling yourself what a magnificent day it will be, SSSSLLLLUUUURRRPPPP and reading the comics you notice that it is now time to get dressed so that you can be on time for your normal drive to work, and by your exact calculation you have eight minutes to get dressed, five minutes to shave and ten minutes to wash your hand and get your ass to the car. And as normal as you were leaving your normal house, you kissed your wife on the forehead and said I shall return at 4:00 pm.
Your drive to work was quite normal, parking your car in its normal spot, you finish your morning go juice and place the (now crying mug) on the passenger seat and closed the door. You arrived at your normal spot to take the normal elevator up to the eight floor where you exited and entered into the hall that measures nine feet by eight feet and is approximately thirty feet long but remembering that you need only to navigate around the other workers (who are packed in the hall like sardines in a can) for twenty feet to get to your normal work place, where you will remain for the normal eight hour shift in your normal cubicle, which should take you between eight and ten minutes to navigate the twenty feet of forward movement, so that you should arrive at exactly 8:00 am, as was the beginning of your normal work day.
Arriving at your cubicle at precisely 7:57 am, you sit in you new office chair (you got to choose your chair after all the best one’s were taken by others on the eleventh floor, and the ninth floor, and you found yourself to be quite happy and content with the comfortable chair that you received, at least all the springs seems to be intact and not one spring is constantly trying to poke you in the family jewels whilst you tried to work). Nothing eventful happened that morning, other than the cart lady came around and was passing out free (which is good as you always go for the free stuff) donuts and coffee.
(The coffee was a wee bit watered down, but that was ok, cause it was hot and free), which you grabbed three donuts and a medium cup of coffee from that cart lady (who only shows up on Thursday, why? You have no clue), and managed to stuff a whole chocolate covered, cream filled with sprinkles, donut into your mouth - whole, which is also your normal practice), and gulped the coffee to get the mass down the throat without getting stuck in the wind pipe, it went down pretty good. Then with small bites you’re polished off the other two donuts, and drank the rest of the coffee, now it is starting to get interesting. The beginning of the end … What was abnormal was the grumbling of the stomach, and the pressure that was forming demanding release. Which, like normal, you held until your turn to do the bathroom break where you will release the gas in the men's room and cause others the discomfort of smelling the terrible stench, thereby causing the mends room to be closed pending a much needed airing out session which happens every Thursday, like normal. This Thursday was not normal however, it started normally enough, but the grumbling from the stomach is making any attempt at concentration of the job nearly impossible. As your asshole is demanding release, and you brain is saying “Negative, as the possible consequences begin to reveal themselves and the possibility of losing the job … “Yet the demand is there, now!!!
Finally giving in to the needs of the asshole as opposed to the wants of the brain, you decided just to release a small amount of gas just until you can make it to the mens room …
So you told your asshole that only a small toot to relieve some of the pressure and make it come out slowly and softly so that no one will hear the silent but deadly until … And we all know what happened after that, yes I hear your objections, but I am sure that not everyone has heard about what actually happened and not just the watered-down version reported by the main stream media, so let me not disappoint them and let me tell it like it really happened … Yes sir, that small toot, turned into a rout … brrrrrraaaaaaassssshhhhhhhhh my god man, the sound reverted off the office windows, the force of the release removed a good portion of the back of your pants and the new office chair, ate the carpet in your cubicle, and caused your fellow office workers to pop their collective heads up is first shock then as the foul stench wolfed up and hit then utter revolution, someone must have pulled the fire alarm, cause now the overhead sprinklers went off, I know how you were feeling whilst you laid your head on the desk, your brain was using copious amounts of profanity while both your stomach and your asshole was smiling in relief and laughing, you noticed your office manager crawling past your cubicle on her hands and knees trying to breathe through what looked like a kotex and looking pale with splotches of green blue and red all over her face yelling in a muffled voice, ‘clear the building’ we’re under attack, she didn’t even look at you, sitting there with your head on your desk soaked by the sprinklers going off over head, and that constant fire alarm bell driving your brain to overheat and almost shut down, gathering up your wits you quickly peak over the cubicle walls, and seeing no one, quickly now get the spare pants from the bottom drawer of your three drawer filing cabinet that you put there a couple weeks ago when you had the runny trots and thought you would need them later should another emergency occur, you dropped what was left of your now ruined pants and pulled on the spare, which completed the disguise so that no one would know it was you that brought on this chaos, as you casually (if you can call it that), left your cubicle, you could hear the sirens of the fire trucks and other emergency vehicles heading in your direction, and peeking out your office window, you get a strange feeling of urgency to leave the scene of the disaster, you also notice the people laying down hither and there all over the sidewalks with emergency personnel attempting to assist them and/or revive those that appear to be unconscious, over the load intercom you hear firefighters, talking about an apparent soviet based poisonous gas attack on the building … and then you knew that it was quite imperative for you to leave quickly as it was not the soviets that had launched the gas attack, but rather all this was your fault … you quickly went to the hallway to see to your dismay most of your co-workers were sprawled out gasping for air and some kind of relief from the stench, you being the only one that seems to be immune bounded towards the elevator, that will not work due to the fire alarm being set off, crap! Thinking to yourself, and mouthing the words … I must use the forking stairs but I will have to leave quickly so that no one will know that it was I who caused all of this, opening the door to the stairs you see to your utter dismay that the stairwell is filled with others who had the same idea and are sprawled all over the steps making the egress that much more difficult. So to blend in and not to look too obvious, you pulled a handkerchief, from your pocket - covered your mouth and proceeded to pick your way past those that never quite made it out.
Approaching the 3rd floor you met some fire fighters huffing and puffing coming up the stairs, seeing you they stopped to inquired what floor did you come from and if you needed help, by which you replied the 8th floor (and due to the exertion of all those stairs your face was sweaty and red) you said that you could make it except that it was very slow going… they rushed past you heading for the 8th floor and you heard one of them radio back to the fire chief, “1 coming your direction, slow and may require medical assistance, he was on the 8th floor so we are going there now…” “roger that, and copy.”
Upon entering the lobby area medical personnel grabbed you and hustled you over to a waiting gurney for transport to the local medical evacuation area, even though you objected, they persisted, you were rushed from the building with an oxygen mask affixed to your face and you could see all the carnage from your asshole releasing all that gas…. Next time you vowed your brain will rule the body exclusively, if indeed there was a next time…. A full 1/3rd mile from your normal office building you could see carnage, when you returned home, the news was broadcasting conflicting reports of the incident - one station relates to the incident as a testing of a new nerve agent release by parties unknown - but hinting of possible hostile governments involvement such as either the North Korean’s, Chinese, or even the Soviets; but on another station, the reports are about a massive sewer gas leak - origins unknown - and centering around the building directly next to your normal office building, where the CDC with the Army investigating the causes …. And this was your only abnormal day in recent history, that being said you should stay in your normal reality and not even attempting to peek at my reality. For in my reality, nothing is impossible, for I am the king here, we fly along the lines of incomprehensible roads leasing to nowhere, and going nowhere which if fine by me as by far much more fun that your reality, the normal reality of this generation is more difficult to navigate than the reality of my generation or the generations that came before my generation and if by far more easily traveled that the reality that is lived in today by this generation ….. Wheeeee …
So my usual ending is, “As always (really? As always what? Can we rename that to something like … Sometimes always, or Always sometimes, it just seems to mundane… hush your messing with my salutations …. Now wait a minute do I have a say in this? Not really … oh, alright, as always I guess …) so, as I was saying “As Always, stay safe! (Really? ‘Stay safe, that’s what you always say, safe from what? You just messed up their mind by giving them a peek into your mind, say how about, ‘stay as safe as you want to’ or don’t.) Okay, how about stay as safe as you want too or need too (you satisfied now? Well, I guess, but you got to put some pizzazz from the activeness of your energetic personality in your endings, and make people understand the need here to live their lives individually, harm not that they not be harmed…” yeah, yeah, whatever….)
Until next time, come visit my reality, just a visit though …. Wheeeeee
And if you know of anyone who needs a reality check, send those people here as their reality may become quite fragmented. I tried to put a share button on this Blog, right up there in the upper right corner of your screen, but not having the appropriate funds available to get one placed permanently and professionally installed, I went the cheap way, so a couple good friends of mine, we set about putting that button in - sixteen hours later after lots of grunts and half tries we finally managed to get the button kind of installed, then Jack said to me, “Okay Bird, let’s try it out I need you to tap the button and see how many shares we get …” So there I was on the top of the ladder, perched on top of the roof of the web page, five stories up, I could see the street below me, and all the cars and people staring at me, so I reached over to push the button, just like I was instructed to do, and as I reached for it, it fell off the screen, down, down, it went and hit that car parked next to the curb, almost flattened it, and set off its car alarm, so climbing down the ladder to retrieve the button, and hearing honk, honk, honk, honk, constantly made me stop and think if it was all worth the effort, and here comes the police, sirens and all making such a big deal over the fall of the button that I was sure that I would have to buy this fellow a new car … fate intervened, which was nice of her to show up in my time of need, and before the police got out of their cars to investigate, I seen four teenagers run up to my button and run off with my button … and off they went carrying it down the street, so by the time the police got out of their cars and I being about a third of the way down the building, all they seen was a flattened car with its horn going off, until finally one of the police men pulled his revolver and fired five shots into the flattened car, which killed that blasted horn and put the car out of its misery. Wow, I thought - finally a police man showed some common sense, and killed that constant honk, honk, honk, honk, so now we all could think straight, when I hit the ground right next to the now flattened car which turned out to be one of those smart cars, who was dumb enough to park under us doing the construction, so as to rubber neck what we were doing, just demonstrates to me that those cars are not really smart after all; the police man who fired the shots that finally shut up the car’s horn, came up to me and asked, “Do you know what happened here?” Now let me see, the button fell off, came crashing down and flattened the car, the those kids stole my button before they showed up, so now as we are looking at is a flattened smart car with some extra holes, so I said to him (trying to a keep straight face), “No, Sir I have no clue I just came down from up there to see what the fuss and all the noise was about …” So he wandered away, and me and the boys left the scene of the dead smart car as fast as we could go, I just haven’t had the appropriate funds to get another one installed professionally, and I am not really looking for those kids who took my last share button. Looking back at the whole situation, I believe that the fickle finger of fate was playing a joke on me as she is really unable to manipulate anything in my reality as she does in everyone else’s reality. So now that the button fell off the top of this Blog, and before I can get another one installed, if you all want to share, these words of wisdom (if you can call them that), you will have to do it through word of mouth, or just copy and paste the header and send that to a friend or three. I believe that is the best way to share these words anyway. And to the new readers out there in reader land.
Welcome to my reality …..
-Bird.
***
So I’m writing this article for a reality check, you see my reality and your reality (that is of course if you’ve managed to keep reading this far, or like normal people, skipped this article as being far less interesting than it really is) and my reality is at too different ends of the spectrum … My reality is by far more interesting, an a better place to live in rather than that of the normal reality where a very good majority of the planet’s population lives. But before I continue and give all the readers the opportunity to peek (and not stay, cause I really don’t want my reality to become overcrowded with far too many normal people trying to make sense of my reality), I give you these wee bit of warnings, I will be using large amounts of some very profane descriptions. Thus, said children (that is those who have not reached the age of majority [which should be set at say 13 years old or there abouts] should read this article (and many more to follow) in the presence of an adult (that is, those people who understand the written word, and are, uh hum over the age of say 16 or so), these numbers don’t take into account the brainiacs of the world who have hit the ripe old age of 9 and know everything about everything without the need for further instructions) those people are not figured into these calculations. All others read with caution, remember that those children under the age of 13 years old will have a complete sense of confusion after reading this article, and may even have some day mares, (you know what I’m talking about, the light blue horse that trots inside your mind whizzing away the hours trying to steal the mind’s eye, the seat of all that is holy and nice in that cavity where you keep your emotions and brains in two separate locked compartment under a tight lock with the key housed in the large toe on your left foot, but if your living in a country outside the greater united states, then the key was given to your most trusted advisor or best friend who sold it for a nice profit to a street dealer of keys, who is now holding it for ransom, which has placed you in slavery to work your fingers to the bone trying to get the key back, so that you can go about your normal life …)… wheeeee …
If you spend one 15 minute block of your time in any given day (that is of course, if you could spare 15 minutes at one time, if not, well …) in my reality, you will have to start seeing a psychiatrist or at the very least a therapist to try (yes try because one 15 minute block in my reality should make you question you reality) to get back to your normal reality, those of you who wish to experience my reality may need to explain to your realities what you are about to do then place those realities in a safe place (and no not in the pocket of your best friends jeans cause if he or she finds it might be a scary thing that they will just toss it aside and you’ll be stuck in my reality which is the reality of all realities but not the reality whereby the uninitiated want to spend the remainder of their lives wishing to be back among the normal reality that you long for, so my reality needs to be viewed from afar, like the drinking of fine wine, a sip here and a sip there but not guzzled).
Of course if you are in your normal reality, you may not want to continue. And I do not want people to read my lines who refuse to be open minded. So carry on in your normal reality, and leave me be. Go about your normal business in your normal reality, go back to your normal home, play with your normal children, kiss your normal spouse, and remain in your normal reality. About the only abnormal thing that you did was pass gas in your normal office building while in your normal cubicle while at your normal job, that generated headlines across the region. Remembering it very well, let me share with all the rest of the readers just how abnormal that particular day was, and yes, I hear your objections, and yes I am ignoring your protests concerning the sharing of your experience with the rest of the population should they have not had the chance to experience the same at the time that it occurred. So here it was a Thursday morning, in late August, when you woke up from your normal sleep (everyone appreciated that you were now awake so that they could now sleep without the horrendous sounds of your snores that could be heard several blocks away from your residence, sounding akin to a cat with its tail stuck in a bike cycle tires ribs, several other of your neighbors regularly call the police for assistance, thinking and/or believing that either you or someone in your household required some type of emergency medical assistance), upon leaving your normal bedroom going towards the kitchen for that first cup of wake-up juice, you inadvertently stumble and hit your head against the door which caused you to outburst a torrent of profanity (that would have made a sailor blush with envy), now entering the kitchen, and removing from the dish rack an empty coffee mug, you prepare your wake-up juice (which would make most individuals consider seeking psychiatric help after watching this morning ritual), stumbling hither and thar, you reached the refrigerator, placing your coffee mug (if it can be called that) on the counter next to the refrigerator, opening the door of the 1970 Frigidaire (that your wife of 40 years got for a wedding gift, and you swore that you would replace the first chance you got, but never did…), you reached in to the refrigerator for the first three ingredients of you morning concoction, first was the catsup, which you squeezed a healthy portion in the bottom of the mug, then came the pure concentrated lime juice, two squirts, now the eggs, two chicken eggs and one duck egg which were cracked one also placed in the mug of doom, you then grabbed the trusty plastic spoon from where it was attached in its own holder on the refrigerator (and we both know, that using any type of metal spoon would only cause the spoon to become rusted and partially dissolved in your beverage with over usage) and with your right hand firming holding the mug to the counter, you stirred the ingredients together vigorously with you left hand for several minutes. Paying particular attention to making sure all the ingredients are thoroughly mixed. Now you zoom over to the microwave where you set the dial on 30 seconds and place the mug therein while you grab the other four ingredients, trying not to rush the process as you want to be at your work station at exactly 8:00 am, glancing at the clock you note with satisfaction that the time was 6:45 am, giving you exactly 45 minutes before you will need to leave the house and head for work. After closing the door of the microwave and starting the clock, you reach into the cupboard and grab the powdered garlic which you open and set next to the microwave which the timer now says 25 seconds to go … then down into the bowels of the refrigerator you grab a diet 7-up (yes I know that you used to use Pepsi, then Coke, then a variety of other juices before settling on 7-up, and the only reason that you are forced to use diet 7-up is because you son drank the last regular one), this too was placed next to the garlic powder, the microwave timer now says 20 seconds, so you right in the time zone … Now crossing the kitchen to fetch the final two products you wife comes into the kitchen, sees your progress and just as quickly retreats to another room so that she does not have to be a witness to the event (that as she claims will be the death of you yet), “Good” you think so that she will not slow me down … you grab the instant Folgers Coffee and the jalapeno sauce, which you also place next to the other two on the counter, whew, right on time “DDIIINNNNGGGG” goes the microwave. Opening the door you pull out the mug noting that the foam is subsiding nicely, quickly so that it don’t cool too much you scoop in two heaping tablespoons of garlic powder, ½ can (6.5 oz.) of 7-up, three heaping teaspoons of Folgers coffee and one table spoon of jalapeno sauce, which is then mixed thoroughly, and placed back into the microwave for another 15 seconds to make sure it is hot when you gulp it down so that you will not have the gas associated with it, as your stomach cries in protest…
Now, you call to your wife, “Honey where is the newspaper?” which she tosses to the dining room table from the other side of the room, “Here you are,” and you respond, as normal with a “Thank you Dear.” “DDIIINNNNGGGG” goes the microwave. Now the morning ritual is about to begin in earnest.
Sitting down at your normal dining room table you open the newspaper to the comics and take a slow long sip of you wake up juice, savoring the absolute bliss of the taste and telling yourself what a magnificent day it will be, SSSSLLLLUUUURRRPPPP and reading the comics you notice that it is now time to get dressed so that you can be on time for your normal drive to work, and by your exact calculation you have eight minutes to get dressed, five minutes to shave and ten minutes to wash your hand and get your ass to the car. And as normal as you were leaving your normal house, you kissed your wife on the forehead and said I shall return at 4:00 pm.
Your drive to work was quite normal, parking your car in its normal spot, you finish your morning go juice and place the (now crying mug) on the passenger seat and closed the door. You arrived at your normal spot to take the normal elevator up to the eight floor where you exited and entered into the hall that measures nine feet by eight feet and is approximately thirty feet long but remembering that you need only to navigate around the other workers (who are packed in the hall like sardines in a can) for twenty feet to get to your normal work place, where you will remain for the normal eight hour shift in your normal cubicle, which should take you between eight and ten minutes to navigate the twenty feet of forward movement, so that you should arrive at exactly 8:00 am, as was the beginning of your normal work day.
Arriving at your cubicle at precisely 7:57 am, you sit in you new office chair (you got to choose your chair after all the best one’s were taken by others on the eleventh floor, and the ninth floor, and you found yourself to be quite happy and content with the comfortable chair that you received, at least all the springs seems to be intact and not one spring is constantly trying to poke you in the family jewels whilst you tried to work). Nothing eventful happened that morning, other than the cart lady came around and was passing out free (which is good as you always go for the free stuff) donuts and coffee.
(The coffee was a wee bit watered down, but that was ok, cause it was hot and free), which you grabbed three donuts and a medium cup of coffee from that cart lady (who only shows up on Thursday, why? You have no clue), and managed to stuff a whole chocolate covered, cream filled with sprinkles, donut into your mouth - whole, which is also your normal practice), and gulped the coffee to get the mass down the throat without getting stuck in the wind pipe, it went down pretty good. Then with small bites you’re polished off the other two donuts, and drank the rest of the coffee, now it is starting to get interesting. The beginning of the end … What was abnormal was the grumbling of the stomach, and the pressure that was forming demanding release. Which, like normal, you held until your turn to do the bathroom break where you will release the gas in the men's room and cause others the discomfort of smelling the terrible stench, thereby causing the mends room to be closed pending a much needed airing out session which happens every Thursday, like normal. This Thursday was not normal however, it started normally enough, but the grumbling from the stomach is making any attempt at concentration of the job nearly impossible. As your asshole is demanding release, and you brain is saying “Negative, as the possible consequences begin to reveal themselves and the possibility of losing the job … “Yet the demand is there, now!!!
Finally giving in to the needs of the asshole as opposed to the wants of the brain, you decided just to release a small amount of gas just until you can make it to the mens room …
So you told your asshole that only a small toot to relieve some of the pressure and make it come out slowly and softly so that no one will hear the silent but deadly until … And we all know what happened after that, yes I hear your objections, but I am sure that not everyone has heard about what actually happened and not just the watered-down version reported by the main stream media, so let me not disappoint them and let me tell it like it really happened … Yes sir, that small toot, turned into a rout … brrrrrraaaaaaassssshhhhhhhhh my god man, the sound reverted off the office windows, the force of the release removed a good portion of the back of your pants and the new office chair, ate the carpet in your cubicle, and caused your fellow office workers to pop their collective heads up is first shock then as the foul stench wolfed up and hit then utter revolution, someone must have pulled the fire alarm, cause now the overhead sprinklers went off, I know how you were feeling whilst you laid your head on the desk, your brain was using copious amounts of profanity while both your stomach and your asshole was smiling in relief and laughing, you noticed your office manager crawling past your cubicle on her hands and knees trying to breathe through what looked like a kotex and looking pale with splotches of green blue and red all over her face yelling in a muffled voice, ‘clear the building’ we’re under attack, she didn’t even look at you, sitting there with your head on your desk soaked by the sprinklers going off over head, and that constant fire alarm bell driving your brain to overheat and almost shut down, gathering up your wits you quickly peak over the cubicle walls, and seeing no one, quickly now get the spare pants from the bottom drawer of your three drawer filing cabinet that you put there a couple weeks ago when you had the runny trots and thought you would need them later should another emergency occur, you dropped what was left of your now ruined pants and pulled on the spare, which completed the disguise so that no one would know it was you that brought on this chaos, as you casually (if you can call it that), left your cubicle, you could hear the sirens of the fire trucks and other emergency vehicles heading in your direction, and peeking out your office window, you get a strange feeling of urgency to leave the scene of the disaster, you also notice the people laying down hither and there all over the sidewalks with emergency personnel attempting to assist them and/or revive those that appear to be unconscious, over the load intercom you hear firefighters, talking about an apparent soviet based poisonous gas attack on the building … and then you knew that it was quite imperative for you to leave quickly as it was not the soviets that had launched the gas attack, but rather all this was your fault … you quickly went to the hallway to see to your dismay most of your co-workers were sprawled out gasping for air and some kind of relief from the stench, you being the only one that seems to be immune bounded towards the elevator, that will not work due to the fire alarm being set off, crap! Thinking to yourself, and mouthing the words … I must use the forking stairs but I will have to leave quickly so that no one will know that it was I who caused all of this, opening the door to the stairs you see to your utter dismay that the stairwell is filled with others who had the same idea and are sprawled all over the steps making the egress that much more difficult. So to blend in and not to look too obvious, you pulled a handkerchief, from your pocket - covered your mouth and proceeded to pick your way past those that never quite made it out.
Approaching the 3rd floor you met some fire fighters huffing and puffing coming up the stairs, seeing you they stopped to inquired what floor did you come from and if you needed help, by which you replied the 8th floor (and due to the exertion of all those stairs your face was sweaty and red) you said that you could make it except that it was very slow going… they rushed past you heading for the 8th floor and you heard one of them radio back to the fire chief, “1 coming your direction, slow and may require medical assistance, he was on the 8th floor so we are going there now…” “roger that, and copy.”
Upon entering the lobby area medical personnel grabbed you and hustled you over to a waiting gurney for transport to the local medical evacuation area, even though you objected, they persisted, you were rushed from the building with an oxygen mask affixed to your face and you could see all the carnage from your asshole releasing all that gas…. Next time you vowed your brain will rule the body exclusively, if indeed there was a next time…. A full 1/3rd mile from your normal office building you could see carnage, when you returned home, the news was broadcasting conflicting reports of the incident - one station relates to the incident as a testing of a new nerve agent release by parties unknown - but hinting of possible hostile governments involvement such as either the North Korean’s, Chinese, or even the Soviets; but on another station, the reports are about a massive sewer gas leak - origins unknown - and centering around the building directly next to your normal office building, where the CDC with the Army investigating the causes …. And this was your only abnormal day in recent history, that being said you should stay in your normal reality and not even attempting to peek at my reality. For in my reality, nothing is impossible, for I am the king here, we fly along the lines of incomprehensible roads leasing to nowhere, and going nowhere which if fine by me as by far much more fun that your reality, the normal reality of this generation is more difficult to navigate than the reality of my generation or the generations that came before my generation and if by far more easily traveled that the reality that is lived in today by this generation ….. Wheeeee …
So my usual ending is, “As always (really? As always what? Can we rename that to something like … Sometimes always, or Always sometimes, it just seems to mundane… hush your messing with my salutations …. Now wait a minute do I have a say in this? Not really … oh, alright, as always I guess …) so, as I was saying “As Always, stay safe! (Really? ‘Stay safe, that’s what you always say, safe from what? You just messed up their mind by giving them a peek into your mind, say how about, ‘stay as safe as you want to’ or don’t.) Okay, how about stay as safe as you want too or need too (you satisfied now? Well, I guess, but you got to put some pizzazz from the activeness of your energetic personality in your endings, and make people understand the need here to live their lives individually, harm not that they not be harmed…” yeah, yeah, whatever….)
Until next time, come visit my reality, just a visit though …. Wheeeeee
And if you know of anyone who needs a reality check, send those people here as their reality may become quite fragmented. I tried to put a share button on this Blog, right up there in the upper right corner of your screen, but not having the appropriate funds available to get one placed permanently and professionally installed, I went the cheap way, so a couple good friends of mine, we set about putting that button in - sixteen hours later after lots of grunts and half tries we finally managed to get the button kind of installed, then Jack said to me, “Okay Bird, let’s try it out I need you to tap the button and see how many shares we get …” So there I was on the top of the ladder, perched on top of the roof of the web page, five stories up, I could see the street below me, and all the cars and people staring at me, so I reached over to push the button, just like I was instructed to do, and as I reached for it, it fell off the screen, down, down, it went and hit that car parked next to the curb, almost flattened it, and set off its car alarm, so climbing down the ladder to retrieve the button, and hearing honk, honk, honk, honk, constantly made me stop and think if it was all worth the effort, and here comes the police, sirens and all making such a big deal over the fall of the button that I was sure that I would have to buy this fellow a new car … fate intervened, which was nice of her to show up in my time of need, and before the police got out of their cars to investigate, I seen four teenagers run up to my button and run off with my button … and off they went carrying it down the street, so by the time the police got out of their cars and I being about a third of the way down the building, all they seen was a flattened car with its horn going off, until finally one of the police men pulled his revolver and fired five shots into the flattened car, which killed that blasted horn and put the car out of its misery. Wow, I thought - finally a police man showed some common sense, and killed that constant honk, honk, honk, honk, so now we all could think straight, when I hit the ground right next to the now flattened car which turned out to be one of those smart cars, who was dumb enough to park under us doing the construction, so as to rubber neck what we were doing, just demonstrates to me that those cars are not really smart after all; the police man who fired the shots that finally shut up the car’s horn, came up to me and asked, “Do you know what happened here?” Now let me see, the button fell off, came crashing down and flattened the car, the those kids stole my button before they showed up, so now as we are looking at is a flattened smart car with some extra holes, so I said to him (trying to a keep straight face), “No, Sir I have no clue I just came down from up there to see what the fuss and all the noise was about …” So he wandered away, and me and the boys left the scene of the dead smart car as fast as we could go, I just haven’t had the appropriate funds to get another one installed professionally, and I am not really looking for those kids who took my last share button. Looking back at the whole situation, I believe that the fickle finger of fate was playing a joke on me as she is really unable to manipulate anything in my reality as she does in everyone else’s reality. So now that the button fell off the top of this Blog, and before I can get another one installed, if you all want to share, these words of wisdom (if you can call them that), you will have to do it through word of mouth, or just copy and paste the header and send that to a friend or three. I believe that is the best way to share these words anyway. And to the new readers out there in reader land.
Welcome to my reality …..
-Bird.
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