English: Let me speak to you about the common behavioral problems of a man intent on rape: [12,340]

Note: Article written in terms that most of the population will understand, written in every day and common language without all the usual technical nonsense, this is just me speaking to you.

In attempting to warn women against the danger or rape and or other sexual assaults, many rape crisis centers proclaim, "all men are potential rapists."

What a very horrible way to live.  Who wants to go through life in fear of one half of the human race? Much less, believe that about those we love and are intimate with. The idea behind any learning should be to improve the quality of life, not degrade it. To this end, let us leave the wild paranoia of ‘possible’ rape scenarios and move onto the more solid footing of ‘probable’ and 'very likely.'  That you can do something about. Someone rightly said, "Dishonest people are seldom dishonest in only one aspect of their lives." In the same vein, the predilections that can, and do, lead to rape and violence are not isolated. They tend to permeate a person's character and be regularly displayed in many small ways -- and in other areas. These attitudes, behaviors and words are consistent among rapists and those who attack others.

If you are willing to look, they are easy to spot.  The reason it is impossible to predict who will and will not sexually assault someone is because how these behaviors manifest is a matter of style and preference.  One person might choose to be blatant and habitually physically attack others, while another might be more subtle and rely on drugs and alcohol to render his victims helpless. The motives are the same, but the style is utterly different. And that is why it is hard to predict who will and will not commit sexual assault or physical violence. A person who will physically assault one person will not engage in violence with different people. The same goes for circumstances, he will attack in one set of circumstances, but not another.

What we can accurately predict is something bad will arise out of these character traits. However exact details of the 'When, Where and How' are impossible to predetermine. If you see these behaviors in a person, take care. The more you see, the more care should be taken not to be alone with him. Even if he does not rape, these behaviors indicate some serious character flaws.

Take careful note of these danger signs, this list is not all inclusive, but are predominate traits that most rapists have in common):

1. Insensitivity for others - emphasis on self:
Does this person put his wants above the needs, feelings or well-being of others? Is getting his way more important to him than other people's welfare? Often this can go beyond mere selfishness and border nearly on an "assumed divine right." Often these people will justify a particularly vicious action with a flip comment like, "Hey, that's how the game is played." Such a person has no understanding that he must co-exist with others. Because he simply exists, he thinks the world "owes" him whatever he wants. A common tactic of such a person it to make you feel bad for not doing what he wants.

2. Belittling behavior or attitudes towards others:
Does this person habitually make nasty, belittling or degrading comments about others – especially under the guise of joking? Does this person think he is better than others? Does he look down on others? Is he a racist? A person who thinks that race or social position makes him superior can also assume gender does too. When you think you are superior, an assumed right to ‘take’ what you want often follows.

3. Negating behavior or comments:
Closely related to the first two. Does he try to tell you what you are feeling or thinking? Or worse, tell you what you are not? Comments like "you don’t really mean that" are serious indicators of someone trying to negate you. A person who negates others is trying to take away the other person’s thoughts, feelings and needs and attempting to project his wants onto that person. The most obvious example of this is "Well even though she said ‘no’, she really meant ‘yes’".

4. Hostile and/or threatening language:
What words does a person use? Choice of words conveys subconscious assumptions about a particular topic. For example, a man who generically refers to women as "bitches" does not have good thoughts about women (or much respect). It is all too easy to dismiss this behavior as just "blowing off steam." But if it is a constant behavior, it often goes far beyond that. Someone who habitually uses violent or threatening language should be carefully watched for possible escalation. It is on his mind already. It is an uncomfortably short step from ‘thinking about’ to ‘doing it’.

5. Bullying:
This behavior is especially dangerous. Does this person use overt or subtle threats to get his way? A bully uses the threat of violence more than actual violence. Most often bullies are not willing to risk conflict with someone who can hurt them (such as an alpha male, or someone who is physically stronger that he is), and will instead chose to intimidate someone he considers weaker and safer. Someone who is bullying over other matters can easily turn to bullying you regarding sex.

6. Excessive anger:
How easy does this person anger? Is he a "Short Fuse"? Does he boil over at the slightest problem? This is an indication of chronic anger. A person who explodes over a minor issue is like a full pot boiling over on the stove. It is not that the issue is all that important, but that he has so much anger already; any more causes him to explode. Often people with chronic anger look for targets to vent their anger at. This could manifest as physical fights, abuse, or rape.

7. Brooding or looking for revenge:
Does this person hang onto his anger long after the situation is over? Will he still be stewing over something while everyone else has moved onto other things? Will he become anti-social and glare at the source of his anger from across the room? Will he insist on taking revenge for real or imagined slights? Both indicate a petty and obsessive personality. A brooder fixates on something and then works him into frenzy over it. A person who seeks revenge "has to win" and is willing to take it to extremes. Refusing such a person’s sexual advances can turn this tendency towards you, in an unexpected manner, that could actually be a very aggressive and violent rape. Something to seriously think about.

8. Obsessiveness:
This is a close cousin to number brooding and / or looking for revenge:. It is a major factor with acquaintance rapes. This person will not leave you alone. He insists on ‘hitting on you’ long after you have told him no. He is always trying establishing forced intimacy. Trying to get into your pants. Such obsessions easily turn into anger when his advances are rejected. One day he shows up in a fringe area, drunk and attacks, the attack will be sudden and quite violent in nature, and it’s not about sex, is more about being able to take possession of you by him. These people will continue to attack until physically stopped.

9. Extreme mood swings:
Beware someone who can go from wildly happy to misery at a moment's notice. This sort of personality can feel justified to commit an unlimited amount of violence and damage, because you "hurt his feelings." This is a common pattern among those with chronic anger about life.

10. Physical tantrums:
How does this person get angry? Especially when denied, "Getting his way". Beware of a person who regularly physically assaults his environment i.e. hitting walls, kicking things etc. It is only a short step from striking a car to attacking you.

11. Jock mentality:
This mentality promotes both acceptance and encouragement for the use of violence. It is especially common among people of contact sports. What is most insidious about this mentality is the "jock" receives not only positive reinforcement, but out-and-out applause for being aggressive and violent. This can easily lead to a failure to differentiate between the playing field and real life. Mike Tyson’s comment is a prime example: "Nobody ever objected before."

12. A mean drunk:
Nearly all rape and abuse cases have alcohol included in there somewhere. Watch what surfaces when someone is intoxicated. It shows what is always lurking underneath. Do not put yourself into a situation where you would deal with such a person while he is intoxicated. Most importantly, do not allow your facilities to be diminished or dismantled by alcohol or drugs in this person's presence. As you may wake up in a very painful state.

13. Alcohol or drug abuse:
To begin with, drug and alcohol addiction can in be traced back to selfishness and a refusal to change one’s worldview. Alcohol and drugs are not the cause of bad behavior; rather they are used as an excuse! Often the attacker intentionally became intoxicated to ignore the social restrictions and inhibitions regarding violence. He will use his addiction against everyone around him, and this includes violent sexual based attacks, unfortunately, rape is just the tip of the iceburg.

While there are others, these behaviors are serious indicators of a potential rapist. This short list should acquaint you with just the basics. Not all men are rapists, but a person like this has a higher probability than others. You not only find these traits among rapists and abusers, but also professional criminals. Philosophically there is little difference they are all selfish. Most often it is just a matter of degrees, style and choice of victims.

An example in futility:
There is an old saying: You can't cheat an honest man. If you don't have much experience with the underbelly of life, that comment doesn't seem to make sense. But it is very true. That is because most swindles rely on the mark's greed. The person who is aversively trying to get a ludicrously low price or an unrealistic high return is going to get hustled. Whereas an honest person knows this is not right. You do not get those kinds of prices and returns in legitimate business. If someone is offering them, then something is wrong. And yet because of greed, the mark proceeds with the deal.

In the same vein, a smooth talking individual can only convince you of something if you want to believe what he is saying. And the more you want to believe the less convincing he will have to do. But without this willingness to ignore common sense on your part, even the smoothest con artist has no power and no chance to harm you.

The reason for this side trip into the nature of con artists is to acquaint you with the fact that many rapists will attempt to mask, justify, make light of, or explain away the dangerous behaviors that I have mentioned before in other articles. How they will do this is totally unpredictable at this time -- as it depends on the individual and his opinion and assessment of you. Know right now however, that he will tailor his response to what he thinks will work best with you. So beware it is going to sound real convincing when it comes your way.

Having said that however, there are several common tactics. The first is to make light of it. To claim that he was just joking about a verbal attack. To blow off a significant event with a flip or short comment as though it did not matter.

Another common dodge is to minimize others by focusing on him. He was justified in doing what he did because his emotions were hurt or because the other person did something to him first.

Bullying is often common. The subject is closed because it angers or upsets him.

On the other hand, they will have a long and elaborate stories how it really was not their fault. These stories however, while tending to have great depths in some areas are prone to be as shallow as a water puddle in a parking lot when it comes to their involvement. Not about what they did or what they were feeling, - those are in depth areas - but rather why they chose a course of action that they knew was wrong. That will be quickly glazed over. Unfortunately, this subject has massive influence on everything else they are telling you. However, if they can baffle you with nonsense about other details, you will not notice that this issue is prominently lacking in their story. They are glib and will take care in their elaboration of minute details, pay attention here, what sets this person apart, is his interest in your attentiveness and your reaction to what he is saying, so as you are listening to his lies he is studying you to see that you take his bait.

It is not uncommon for them to try to turn it around onto you. Your reaction to their action is wrong: That is what they will try to convince you. You are being narrow-minded and mean spirited. Don't you know it was just a joke? How can you be so unforgiving to hold him accountable or responsible for something that was not his fault? Or a very common one how you cans be so unreasonable, look how reasonable about this he is trying to be.

No matter what tactic someone takes there is always a core fortification of "just me" that is involved in his arguments. It is hard to describe, but once you have learned how to recognize it, it is always there. This fortification is never touched. It is always talked around or quickly skipped over. And that area that is never addressed is accepting personal responsibility for one's actions. It is common that he places the blame of his actions on someone else and not himself.

Another issue that is never mentioned is their responsibility to interact with others on an equal basis. It is always how other people are affecting them. Or how much they have done and how hard they have tried to make things work. There is no recognition that their words or actions might have affected someone just as, if not deeper than they themselves, were effected.

If you can remove your emotional involvement from the equation, you will clearly see how people attempt to hide these behaviors. But before you can remove your emotional investment, you must critically review your motives. What are you getting out of the situation? What do you expect to get out of the situation? What are you afraid of losing if you were to allow yourself to see this behavior and recognize its significance?

So, is it worth it? Is it worth the pain, humiliation and emotional pain, to distrust all of the male population, as they are all ‘potential rapists?’ Nay, just because there are some bad apples in the barrel, does not mean that all the apples are bad, you must decide for yourself, if you want to be happy and live life to its fullest, then you must decide when you should let your guard down, and when to aggressively detach yourself from those who might want to harm you.

As always, stay safe!

- Bird

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